BIGFOOT: Greetings, cooks. Welcome to this week's show. Today, it's, uh, who's our guest today?

ANDY RICHTER enters stage-left.

ANDY: Hey, Bigfoot. How's it going?

BIGFOOT: Great! Great! (Beat) And you are?

ANDY: Andy. Andy Richter.

BIGFOOT: Andy, right. (Beat) Can you give me some context, Andy?

ANDY: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien?

BIGFOOT: Oh, right, my bad, Andy. Been hittin' the dummy sauce kind of hard today.

ANDY: No problem.

BIGFOOT (offering bottle): Wanna slug?

ANDY: Uh. Sure.

BIGFOOT: So, Andy. You look great. Not nearly as puffy and doughy as you do on the show.

ANDY: Thanks, Bigfoot. (Beat) Good rum.

BIGFOOT: Yeah, we're supposed to be making some kind of pudding or something.

ANDY: Brûlée, I thought.

BIGFOOT: What?

ANDY: Espresso-Rum Crème Brûlée. That's what we're making. I think.

BIGFOOT: You know words like "brûlée," huh, Andy? You married?

ANDY: Yeah.

BIGFOOT: Mmm, you know what? Let's bag the brûlée. Let's just drink these bottles straight.

ANDY: Well, you're the host.

BIGFOOT: Great! We'll drink, we'll talk. We'll see if any magic happens between two butch married men and three bottles of extra-potent alcohol.

ANDY: Well, um. OK.

BIGFOOT: Great!

ANDY: So you're married too, huh? I didn't know that.

BIGFOOT: To my job, Andy! To my job. I'm a goddamn workaholic. My shrink says I've gotta learn to relax and just go with the moment sometimes, you know?

ANDY: Um, you do know I'm straight, don't you?

BIGFOOT: Andy, relax, big fella! I've fucked straighter guys than you! And they loved it!

ANDY: You know, Bigfoot, um, you're making me feel a little uncomfortable.

BIGFOOT: Well, you'd better drink up then, eh?

ANDY: You know that thing you did with Michael Jordan on your last show?

BIGFOOT: You mean where I tore off his arm and ate it for dinner?

ANDY: That was fake, right?

BIGFOOT: Of course, Andy! I'm a showman! An entertainer!

ANDY: OK.

BIGFOOT: You know, Andy, I think I know why you're so nervous. (Beat) I know mainstream media tends portray man-on-man ass banging as a macho, sweaty, power-struggle type thing.

ANDY: Like on Oz, you mean?

BIGFOOT: Yes, exactly! But it doesn't have to be that way. It can be tender and joyous, Andy. Nurturing even.

ANDY: Well, yeah, sure, why not? But you know, I am married. And straight. And, you know, I'm not really that good at sex anyway.

BIGFOOT: Andy. I think maybe you're misinterpreting me here. I'm not making overtures.

ANDY: Oh. Um.

BIGFOOT: This is a talk show, Andy. We're just having a conversation. You're not even my type. I mean, you're all pale and jiggly.

ANDY: I know, I am. I'm totally jiggly.

BIGFOOT: I like a dark, lanky man. A dark, lanky, graceful man.

ANDY: Oh, I'm clumsy. I'm, like--

BIGFOOT: Eddie, stop, please. You're boring me.

ANDY: Oh--

BIGFOOT: Just leave, OK?

ANDY: OK.

BIGFOOT: And leave the bottle.

ANDY (leaving): All right. (Over his shoulder.) Thanks for having me on, Bigfoot.

Bigfoot stares at the bottle of a rum for a while.

BIGFOOT: Well, cooks, I'm sorry we didn't get around to our recipe today. But as you know, the one ingredient that every dish requires is good company. And sadly, that was lacking today. Perhaps next week we'll have better luck. Until then, cooks, bon appetit!