COOKING WITH BIGFOOT - EPISODE 1

G. BEATO




INT. "COOKING WITH BIGFOOT" SET
You know what’s wrong with most cooking shows? The hosts. They’re usually French. Or French-seeming. They talk about food too much.

"Cooking with Bigfoot" is different. Here, BIGFOOT is the host - lumbering, charismatic, he speaks eloquently about any number of subjects.

In fact, he’s a lot like Alec Baldwin - if Alec Baldwin were manic-depressive, aggressively bisexual, and slightly less hairy.

BIGFOOT: Hello, everybody, and welcome to Cooking with Bigfoot.

The set is the first sign that Bigfoot’s culinary skills are somewhat suspect. Indeed, the counter’s covered with infomercial cooking gizmos: a Ronco Showtime Rotisserie; a Juiceman juicer; a Suzanne Somers Buttmaster.

BIGFOOT (CONT’D): Our guest today is basketball legend Michael Jordan.

MICHAEL JORDAN enters stage-left and stands next to Bigfoot.

BIGFOOT (CONT'D): Michael, how are you?

MICHAEL: I'm good, man, thanks.

BIGFOOT: Today, we're going to be talking about that long-simmering literary feud between Tom Wolfe and that noisy little phleghm-ball, Norman Mailer.

MICHAEL: I thought this was a cooking show.

BIGFOOT: Michael, relax. You're here, we've got a cold six-pack of Schaefer’s...

MICHAEL: OK, fine, but we’re cooking, right?

BIGFOOT: What, did you skip breakfast?

MICHAEL: No, I’m just...

BIGFOOT: Is a free meal that big a deal to you?

MICHAEL: No, I just thought we were gonna cook Braised Lamb Shank with Mint and Cumin. I was looking forward to it.

BIGFOOT: Well. Cooking, Michael, it's not really my bag, you know? I'm more of a forager.

MICHAEL: But then why do you have a cooking show?

BIGFOOT: Please, you’re like a little pitbull with these questions. Let’s talk about you.

MICHAEL: All right, whatever, man. Give me one of those Schaefer’s.

BIGFOOT: Of course!

Bigfoot opens two - one for him, one for Michael.

BIGFOOT (CONT’D): So you retired recently, right? Are you playing a lot of golf?

MICHAEL: Well, some.

BIGFOOT: Mmm, golf. Not really my bag. But you’re gambling, right? When you golf? You're a big gambler, I’ve heard.

MICHAEL: I like to make a friendly wager.

BIGFOOT: Of course! I'm not saying it's a problem.

MICHAEL: No, it's not a problem.

BIGFOOT: But, you know, without the outlet of professional basketball--

MICHAEL: I’m still involved in basketball. I’m the GM of the Washington Wizards.

BIGFOOT: Yes, but you don’t compete personally.

MICHAEL: No, not personally.

BIGFOOT: OK. So I’m just asking. Without that outlet, do you find your reckless compulsion to gamble even worse now?

MICHAEL: No.

BIGFOOT: Because, you have that look, you know.

MICHAEL: What look?

BIGFOOT: Maybe we'd better change topics. You seem kind of touchy about this.

MICHAEL: Well, maybe I don't like the questions you're asking, Bigfoot.

BIGFOOT: Oh, really? You’d like to kick my faggot wilderness beast ass, is that what you’re saying?

MICHAEL: No.

BIGFOOT: Because I’m a little different, right? I’m not exactly like you, so you have to hunt me down and kill me.

MICHAEL: Listen, man. I came on here to cook Braised Lamb Shank with Mint and Cumin.

BIGFOOT: Oh, Jesus, again with the lamb!

MICHAEL: I don’t know nothing about--

BIGFOOT: OK, fine, we’ll cook! We’ll cook! First, we need a shank!

All right! Finally some action! And it’s not phony WWF-style combat. It’s real, visceral forest-beast-vs.-NBA-star violence. Bigfoot and Jordan disappear behind the counter. We HEAR horrible screams and ripping noises.

Bigfoot reappears. Panting. Bloody. But not without an air of forest-beast dignity. In his hand? Jordan’s arm.

BIGFOOT (CONT'D): OK. We have our shank.

Bigfoot pauses to open a fresh can of Schaefer’s. He takes a long, refreshing drink. Then he picks up a recipe.

BIGFOOT (CONT’D): Next, we - oh, I don’t have all these ingredients. Next, we throw the shank in the Ronco Showtime Rotisserie.

With much effort, Bigfoot manages to cram the arm into the rotisserie. Ah, the joy of cooking!

BIGFOOT (CONT'D): And we set it and forget it!

Bigfoot takes a celebratory draught of Schaefer’s.

BIGFOOT (CONT’D): Well. I know the show’s a little rough still. We’re still working things out. But I hope you’ll tune in next week, when Andy Richter will be dropping by to help me prepare a delightful Espresso-Rum Crème Brûlée. Until then, may all your meals be good ones! Bon appetit!

*****


Episode 2: Bigfoot meets Andy Richter
Episode 3: Bigfoot meets porn star Anita Burymore





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