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And, of course, there's his much-trumpeted "faithfulness" to
his wife. At best, this "faithfulness" is tenuous. Stern
routinely ogles, fondles, spanks, paints, shaves, and verbally
fucks a Felliniesque procession of
strippers, whores, starlets, bimbos, groupies, and horny Long
Island housewives. If, after all this,
Stern is not an adulterer, then he is not an adulterer in the
same way that Charles Manson is,
technically, not a killer. But put issues of semantics and intent
aside for a moment; here's the real
question: who is Stern being faithful to? Can he really believe
that his wife feels O.K. about his
habitual transgressions because he hasn't actually left any
semen in some extra-marital orifice? Of
course not. Stern's faithfulness is not directed toward his
wife, but toward his fans. The moment he
actually penetrates one of the beauties who visit his
show, he will set himself apart from them. They can
identify with his unfulfilled masturbatory panting,
because they're in the same position: looking, wanting,
but unable to actually partake...
But actual penetration? That's for celebrities. If Stern ever loses his self-control, he'll start to lose his fans as well.
A contender for the crown |