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O.K., I'll admit it. Kedrosky's Law filled me with a grand--and perhaps unfounded--sense of ambition...

Can you blame me?

After all, the statistics showed what I had long suspected: Tesh, like some super-malignant strain of kudzu vine, was fast establishing strongholds in every sector of the mediasphere. Soon, he would achieve a state of bland, basso profundo ubiquity.

In response to this news, I did two things:

First, I promised to switch Traffic to an all-Tesh format. (Watch for future developments.)

Second, I started a campaign to officially coronate the Human Screensaver as The King of New Media. The forum where I chose to launch this campaign was a bulletin board at People; the subject of the board was Royalty. There, I created a new topic and posted the following message:

King Tesh?

G. Beato (
Sun Jan 21 17:12:30 EST 1996

I think that John Tesh, with his many achievements in fields as diverse as infotainment journalism, background music, alien portrayal, and infomercial hosting, and his generally royal bearing, should be officially crowned the King of New Media. I know that it is rare for American-born citizens to attain royal title, but I assume that some process does exist to facilitate this...after all, Michael Jackson is commonly regarded as the King of Pop. If anyone is familiar with how one might initiate the process that would rightfully grant Tesh the royal status he deserves, please post that information. Thank you.

I expected an enthusiastic response. I expected hints from pop royalty protocol buffs. Offers to help the cause, vows of solidarity. Perhaps even donations.

Instead, I got indifference.