Left-wing department stores wish their customers a theologically neutered "Happy Holidays!" The heartland heathens in Wichita, Kansas celebrate "Winterfest" by decorating a "community tree." According to Human Events contributor Mike Thompson, the U.S. Postal Service is practically giving away Muslim holiday stamps while treating the ones depicting the Madonna and Child "like pornography, stashed under the counter."

All across America, Baby Jesus is under attack from Christophobic insurgents. Some want to destroy Christmas altogether. Others merely aim to deracinate it via an orgy of Kwanukkarrific miscegeny. Pretty much its only defenders are Bill O'Reilly, the 256 radio stations that have switched to an all-Christmas format for the the holiday season, and Hollywood. Hollywood? Yes, Hollywood, that same Hollywood, which, in the words of Catholic League serial martyr William Donohue, is "controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general and Catholicism in particular..."

For a long time now, I've suspected that the idea of two Americas, the red and the blue, isn't just a labor-saving device created by lazy pundits, that we Americans are, in fact, split not only by different values but also by different cable systems. Indeed, how else to explain Donohue's claim that "Hollywood likes anal sex. They like to see the public square without nativity scenes"?

It's the cruelest irony of the Culture Wars. The prim patriots in the red states can't escape high-definition ass love; the coastal elites are stuck with HGTV. Sure, there's some filth and blasphemy on blue-state TV every once in a while, like that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry, George, and Kramer secularized a blonde Baptist's backside with a huge latex crucifix. But other than that, what? Am I missing something by never watching According to Jim?

William Donohue may not know it, but in the blue states, this is the time of year when The Hallmark Channel and Lifetime Network sandblast their viewers with stinging torrents of faith-based pixie dust. There's One Magic Christmas. (A seedy-looking angel, aka Harry Dean Stanton, teaches a pleasant-looking family the true meaning of Christmas.) There's A Season for Miracles. (A pleasant-looking angel, aka Patty Duke, teaches a seedy-looking homeless family the true meaning of Christmas.) There's Eve's Christmas, Christmas Child, Mr. St. Nick, A Very Cool Christmas and dozens of other feel-good Xmas flicks, maybe hundreds.

In theaters, these movies rarely do big box office. On TV, they get dismal ratings. Critics hate them too, so there's no good reason to make them, and yet Hollywood keep churning them out, year after year after year, simply for the love of Christmas. Indeed, long after fiery yule logs like Bill O'Reilly fade into ashes, Hollywood will still be hand-knitting Christmas schmaltz like 2003's A Carol Christmas, which stars Tori Spelling (Jewish) as a Scrooge-like talk-show host, William Shatner (Jewish) as the Ghost of Christmas Present, and Gary Coleman (probably not Jewish, but maybe into Kabballah) as the Ghost of Christmas Past.

So why does William Donohue rail against his greatest allies?

I chalk it up to the great cultural divide, the tale of two cable systems, and ultimately, something even more sinister: domestic terrorism. Somehow, someone -- Jacques Chirac? -- is sabotaging our national supply of Christmas movies and setting red against blue. For example, in the blue-state version of A Carol Christmas, the plot sticks closely to the traditional Dickens tale. But in the version that plays on red-state cable, well, who knows? Perhaps at the end of it, Spelling's character celebrates her newfound sense of love, charity, and redemption by having lots of anal sex and beating up Christians!

To anyone unaware that such tampering is going on, which is to say, anyone who gets blue-state cable, the declarations of Donohue and his ilk undoubtedly sound like the opportunistic snuffling of cynical, false-hearted spin-pigs. Unfortunately, this is just what our enemies want us to believe.