God Sold Me Too...

Carman, God's hardest-working salesman, is at it again. This time, the suspiciously orange-skinned troubador is hosting a Christianfomercial that pushes Keep The Faith, a 7 CD "soundtrack for life" that's meant to uplift, enlighten, and renew one's spirit via Christian rock of ages. Each CD in the set serves a specific purpose; Album Six, for example, is meant to be your "daily emotional and spiritual cheerleader." The whole package is like a Tony Robbins or Marshall Sylver self-improvement course - except that all you have to do is kick back and listen, and your life will dramatically improve!

And why not? Record industry Satanists have been enslaving and debasing suburban teenage metalheads for years using nefarious backwards masking tricks: if that works, shouldn't the reverse work too? While it seems a little hard to believe that the Star Search bombasticism of the Keep The Faith collection might renew anything except one's aversion to Ed McMahon, the infomercial's testimonials tell a different story. Apparently, Keep The Faith is quite effective at keeping goofy, tranquilized-looking families together, and it has even reformed teenage prostitutes.

And all for only five easy, cheapening-the-faith payments of $24.95. It sure beats going to church or reading that boring Bible book...

-- G. Beato

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